I have been cutting and bagging the dead daffodils, tulips and irises and clearing the early spring debris so as the Asian lilies can reign in full glory. Consumed with juggling new plantings in the window boxes and dusting the cedar lintels over my windows to prevent a further infestation of carpenter bees, I didn’t notice, my kids were hurting. Of all the flowers in the garden, none are as important to me as watching my children bloom. They are not babies and do not live within walking distance, in fact if I have any discomfort in my life right now, it would be the distance I am from my kids. I learn a lot from watching my garden. Seeing the plants establish, in awe of mother nature and the beauty she affords us all. I have learnt so much from my children and my granddaughter. This week’s epiphany is no exception. I see how my mistakes have impacted their choices, My protectiveness has allowed them to adopt “prince or princess” behaviours that is hard on their partners. In my quest to build their self worth and teach them to accept nothing but the best, have I neglected to teach them humility? Have I given to ease my pain rather than help them grow? I understand they will no longer “do” because “I am mum and I say that “I need you to do this for me”. Just like I cannot control the bloom time of my flowers, just be ready for the moment …and enjoy it, when it comes, I cannot control the curve balls that are bouncing in my direction this week.
I watch in bewilderment and am trying to be open minded about what I thought I had planted rather than what is emerging , instead of focusing on the anticipation of what should be, am I equipped to roll with and do I have the ability to embrace something else that may grow and bloom, as long as it is not toxic or invasive, can I appreciate it’s beauty and look for all the positive aspects of its presence. Walking around the flowerbeds this evening, I see many of the plants I thought would dominate, are there just holding their own, some seedlings and cuttings that I pushed into the soil with no expectations, have outshone anything that I may have expected.
It just is, what it is and I have choices, embrace and believe this will all come good. Or sit in the garden of my life waiting for something to bloom, that maybe isn’t even planted….isn’t at home in the red clay or the direct sunlight…all the time missing out on the flowers that are here and vibrant. Life can be a real bitch. I have so much sadness today. I woke up this morning and made a real effort to communicate my gratefulness for what is…Even if it is not what I had signed up for. Some days, that’s about as good as it can get…who knows, tomorrow I may see a glimpse of hope peeping out through the confusion!