Finding one’s way.

I spent most of my day delivering fliers for the short sale part of my real estate business. With temperatures typical of the deep south and a humidity to match, I stepped out at seven thirty and three hundred and something fliers and a dozen conversations later, I got home at two thirty, hot, sticky and sore.

I usually like to walk early in the morning because if I leave it too late, I get stopped by every man and his dog with questions about gardening issues, cooking problems, what’s going on in the neighborhood. How the housing market is doing. My forty minute frog march can take as long as a couple of hours if I leave it too late to get out and get going. I created that monster by writing a newsletter for two years and included all of the aforementioned subjects!

Yesterday was full of dark clouds, I’ve been working my way through a stack of instructional cd’s in preparation for a course I will be attending in Austin in August. I don’t know whether I am out of my depth or just too bloody old. The instructor and author of the course says you are never too old, I would have said that when I was thirty eight too. Having worked the eighty hours work weeks in the past. I think I would prefer things to be more in the line of balance now. It’s so easy to let your life balance get out of whack by dancing to someone else’s tune instead of your own. I have been dancing rather than walking to the beat of my own drum since I was tiny….and yes that beat may actually be tinnitus ….but it’s mine and when I am in tune with it, I have balance and prospective, vision and comfort…I think for me, that’s what it’s all about. Every time I try to dance to someone else’s tune. I get totally bent out of shape. I have been there, tried that, done that. It sucks for me. I can’t be whole when I play that game.

It may come as a surprise to you reading this, you may struggle to believe me when I say that if things suck for me… I have the ability to make life for those around me, suck pretty bad too! working on that one…honestly!

My husband is super busy, He is so passionate about his work and even more dedicated. He gives to his work,  way more than he gets paid for. He and his crew are so committed, Their project is so so lucky to have them. Unfortunately projects like his depend on the commitment levels of the likes of him and I’m not even sure if it’s appreciated or understood the price that all around him and his crew pay for their commitment. It’s who he is, it’s what he does and it’s part of his attraction. ( but it can be so, so lonely while he’s gone being superman). I know he would like me to find something that floats my artistic boat.  Keep me satisfied while he’s gone. My dilemma is that there is only so much time and only so much energy. If we both pull in different directions, him taking care of his work and me chasing my rainbow,  where does that leave the “us” .

The instructional cd’s and the management course I will be attending is all about success. I think success is extremely personal and as unique as each of us. After working myself into the ground for so many years in the name of survival, I realise that although I like comfort, I don’t want to be a millionaire. I ‘m not interested in having a multi million dollar business. I would much rather see my kids, have fun with my granddaughter, knit for her, sew for her, teach her to cook and swim and garden. She loves flowers. I want to share everything with her. I want her to know that I adore her and I want her to feel that her Nana’s is a safe place, without judgement and full of unconditional love in addition to that of her parents, her other grandma and grandad.

I want to work on the creation of our English garden here in the deep south. Oh and I want to write. Not novels or history, nothing woo hoo,  just  “stuff”….and  my cynical take on it all.

I don’t know if I have lost my drive, maybe I’m no longer hungry enough. I may not be too old in the big scheme of things but I have possibly fifteen more active years and I want to use them productively. Not  necessarily becoming financially rich. The riches I want are in the memories I would like to create and leave with my kids to keep them full when I’m gone. The skill set I can maybe share with my granddaughter if I am lucky enough, so as she can find her passion. The love  I can, along with others, add to her life, so as she can take on this game called life with an edge by having  a strong core. Having the confidence and self worth that I don’t possess. Success to me, is being able to enjoy the adventure and the comfort that I can create with my husband on this journey we have together. Does that mean I have given up? I don’t know but I don’t think so.

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